there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
