I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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