My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
