i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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