Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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