Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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