Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
