i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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