non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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