what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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