when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
