remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
