She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
