she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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