I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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