oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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