and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
