I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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