This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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