PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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