Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
