You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
