I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
