Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
