I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
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as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
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seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.