Texts From Last Night

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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  What'd you do?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Its more like what im about to do.

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  (313): I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight. (734): What'd you do? (313): Its more like what im about to do. http://tfl.nu/2yqx
  Replies (6) Good night (3775) Bad night (796)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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  (519): her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs http://tfl.nu/0f09
  Replies (20) Good night (11709) Bad night (1566)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome

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  (208): When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome http://tfl.nu/r1ky
  Replies (17) Good night (3992) Bad night (1874)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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  (520): I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training. http://tfl.nu/cz3b
  Replies (15) Good night (4619) Bad night (1156)
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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  (225): Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe. http://tfl.nu/nl8k
  Replies (5) Good night (2044) Bad night (1148)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.

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  (781): Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in. http://tfl.nu/jeg6
  Replies (2) Good night (1816) Bad night (809)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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  (440): uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober http://tfl.nu/fk8a
  Replies (4) Good night (3970) Bad night (1000)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.

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  (219): Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though. http://tfl.nu/18ka
  Replies (2) Good night (1075) Bad night (776)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.

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  (913): Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis. http://tfl.nu/77ah
  Replies (5) Good night (1025) Bad night (599)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker

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  (506): The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker http://tfl.nu/zneu
  Replies (4) Good night (451) Bad night (885)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.

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  (202): I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control. http://tfl.nu/1mo8
  Replies (0) Good night (1001) Bad night (362)
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.

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  (308): I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault. http://tfl.nu/fi8o
  Replies (1) Good night (585) Bad night (347)
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  (716): View more from New York

  "There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."

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  (716): "There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days." http://tfl.nu/ks69
  Replies (7) Good night (602) Bad night (408)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.

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  (407): Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather. http://tfl.nu/p43l
  Replies (0) Good night (521) Bad night (232)
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  (661): View more from California

  Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.

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  (661): Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract. http://tfl.nu/nfjs
  Replies (1) Good night (317) Bad night (141)

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