I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
