Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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