I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
