I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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