You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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