I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
