also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
