I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
