Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My breasts were aching with rage.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
