It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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