I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
