I faked an abortion last night.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
smell my finger.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
