Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
