So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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