3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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