I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I need to stop coming to work sober
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
