3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
