i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i dont even know how to be here
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
