I'm gonna have a badass scar
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
this boner is exhausting
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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