Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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