she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
