Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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