I'm lost and stupid without you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
