I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
