put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
