Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Come on in and take your pants off
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