I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
