"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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