I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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