Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
