I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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