ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
