My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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