hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
