I feel great
I just peed on a car
My balls are so social today.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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